Hi everyone–

I’m at RT as we speak, but i didn’t want to miss the chance to participate in the Hop Against Homophobia and Transphobia! Over 100 authors are participating and we’re all giving away some goody or other, so be sure to stop by each blog and check out the wonderful stories and prizes.

Here on my blog — two winners —

• One ecopy of The Pack or the Panther
• One ecopy of Wolf in Gucci Loafers

To win, please leave me a comment of any kind.

Here is the link to all the other great authors:

http://hopagainsthomophobia.blogspot.com/

Some of you know that i realized after i decided to write gay romance that i was greatly influenced by two very close friends i grew up with, both of whom i later realized they were gay. One was a young man i went to high school with who went on to become a male nurse in the military. Can you imagine how hard that was back in the day? I knew he was gay for many years but never took the chance to ask him when he knew or if he ever came out to his Catholic Polish family. The other friend was actually in high school with my brother. After graduating, he got married and i believe had kids. It was years later when he came to visit me in California with his beautiful gay partner. I also never asked him when he realized he was living a lie. So sad. Missed opportunities. But in those days, it would have seemed like prying. Today, of course, i’d want to know it all! Like my friend who was raised Mormon and realized he was gay on his mission when he found himself attracted to the other men. So many stories of self realization. Now i get to write them. And when i write them, they end happily. That’s the best part.

I’m posting below a scene from a book that i only finished writing a short time ago. The excerpt is unedited. But it’s a moment when a man, in this case twenty-five, is really exploring if he could be gay.  The book is called Knight of Ocean Avenue. My hero, Billy, is a construction worker. Shaz is a stylist. Enjoy —

Shaz picked a table in the darker part of the room. Good. He wouldn’t be able to see Billy’s damned red ears. Shaz grabbed a chair and relaxed into it with that grace and ease that nobody could match.

Billy sat on the armless chair opposite and folded the edge of the crooked white tablecloth.

Shaz put a hand on his arm. “Want to talk so you don’t forget the words?”

Billy felt the touch in his earlobes. Yes, and his cock. “I, uh, I’m glad we’re still friends.”

Shaz sat back. Was he disappointed in what Billy said? He nodded.  “Me too. I was sad that we might have wrecked it. Being friends, I mean.”

Billy glanced up, then back down at his tablecloth folding. “So, you’re sad that we — I mean, that you –”

“Sucked your cock?”

Billy nodded but didn’t look up.

“I can’t actually say that, Billy. I’m gay. You’re a really attractive man. It happened.”

“Am I attractive? Like to you?”

Two seconds of silence. “Yes. Very.”

His heart beat so hard he could barely hear. Just say it. Just say it. Shit. “How would I know if I’m gay?”

Deafening silence. He looked up. Shaz stared at him. In the soft light, those green eyes glistened. No smile. “That’s a really important question.”

Oh God, he didn’t laugh. He didn’t freak. Billy let out his breath in a long sigh. “You had to answer that question for yourself, right?”

“Yes.”

“How old were you when you answered it?”

“Fourteen.”

“How did you know?”

He shrugged. “Sitting in my grandfather’s church listening to the begats. I realized that I had no interest in finding a female who was my opposite number. The one taken from my rib. I’d always suspected I was different from most of the people I knew, but I didn’t understand how. At that moment in that pew, I realized that the joke about Adam and Steve applied to me. It was very hard to be a joke.”

“Oh God, that’s awful.”

“It was for awhile.” He gave a half grin. “Quite a while. I tried really hard to be something else since everyone in my family expected so much from me. I was lined up for divinity school. Can you imagine? I knew I was more interested in designing the choir robes.” He chuckled. “And fucking the choir boys, although I denied that to myself and everyone else for several years. Finally, the pressure of living a pure lie got too much and I exploded. I confessed everything in one giant vomit of expurgation. By that time, I’d had a cock or two in my mouth, done a lot of frottage, and knew for sure that I was beyond girls. I spilled it all. Gay. Design school. Serious questions about God and religion. All out.”

Billy held his breath.

“And that was essentially the last time I saw my family. They withdrew their college money, not that I would have gone to divinity school anyway. They threw me out politely. Made excuses to their friends and congregation. Said I was trying a new path. Going on a personal retreat. Yes, one from which I never returned.”

Horror spread through his chest. His family! He slashed at his eyes.

Shaz gave him a soft look. “Tell me.”

“I love my family. I can’t have them disown me.”

That warm hand held his forearm again. “Hang on. First, why do you think you’re gay?”

“Come on. You already know.”

Shaz sighed and removed his hand. “Tell me anyway.”

“I’m a failure with women. I don’t enjoy stuff that guys like me are supposed to like a lot. I wack off to gay porn and let gay guys suck my cock.” He stared at his hands. There. He’d said it. “Shit, I even have cats.”

Shaz chuckled. “Gay cats.”

“Yeah.”

“Let me play devil’s advocate.” He ticked each point off on his fingers. “Maybe you just haven’t found the right woman. A lot of guys enjoy stuff that other men think is gay, but they aren’t. Different people find different stuff sexy, and blow jobs feel good no matter who’s giving them.”

He slowly blew out his breath. “I’ve thought of all of that at least one hundred times each.”

“And?”

He looked up. The scarlet hair, green eyes, full lips. There sat the most beautiful human he’d ever seen. Another true confession. “Shaz, I think you’re hot.”

Whatever the guy had been about to say must have stuck in his throat. His lips parted, then closed. Parted again.

Billy stared at that mouth Je-sus. He wanted to kiss Shaz. A guy. He wanted to kiss him. Not suck him or fuck him. No, well, that too. But kiss him? That seemed like the gayest thing alive.

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Now Hop over and visit all the authors. Thank you so much for coming by! And remember to leave me a comment.

http://hopagainsthomophobia.blogspot.com/